Sometimes the sun makes me want to cry. It’s the end of February and the unexpected arrival of fleeting warmth makes me nostalgic for a time that hasn’t even come yet.
But I had that thought while still indoors, sunbeams scattering across the floor. It was morning and I had just woken up, caught between two states. I looked outside, nine floors from the ground, and across the way, two blocks to be exact, I saw a man standing at the top floor of the hotel, curtains drawn, doing the same thing as me. I went about my day. I fell asleep.
I woke up as I had the day before, poured cereal into a mug, and stood once again in front of my window. The incident of yesterday morning forgotten, laughter bubbled up when I looked out to see the curtains drawn and the man wearing the white tee doing the same as me. I waved. He didn’t. I’ll try again tomorrow, if he’s still in town.
The silliness feels required. My brain is supposed to be fully developed, whatever that means, and I suppose two weeks ago I would’ve agreed but now it’s like I’ve lost the steadiness I thought I had gained. A sense of self, like I might not actually be right, capable of taking risks, trusting that everything will turn out okay. Somewhere between that exact moment and now it’s like I lost that trust. But I guess that’s human. So I’m trying to read and write and breathe and make connections, even from two blocks away. All the things I need.
reading
Thankfully, reading’s come easy (mostly). Bus rides back and forth from work as well as a round trip train ride to NYC prompted ample reading time.
The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson: Cruising at 0 mph.
Margo’s Got Money Troubles by Rufi Thorpe: A nineteen year old girl gets impregnated by her English professor, and after the realization that taking care of a baby is a full-time job, especially with no one to support her, Margo starts an OnlyFans with the encouragement of her returned father who also happens to be an ex-WWE-type wrestler. So, someone who knows how to put on a show.
What It’s Like In Words by Eliza Moss: Almost thirty years old and Enola, a writer by nature and a barista by trade, finds herself enamored by the brooding, offensive writer that shows up for the bimonthly writers meetup at the pub. He’s older, and everything she’s not. From the moment their relationship begins, and over the course of two years, he does everything wrong and she finds herself lapping up whatever remaining pieces of himself he can give.
Tell Me Everything by Elizabeth Strout: Like its opening paragraph suggests, it’s a story about Bob Burgess. It’s also a story about the “unrecorded lives” of all the people in every main character’s. The lives we lead, the choices we make, the relationships we have and lose and find once again. Strout, I learned, has created a whole universe in which her characters exist and I’m excited to get to know them individually through each of her books.
on deck
Still working through my library pickup! Mina’s Matchbox, Rejection, and The Familiar. Plus, a surprise! My sister gifted me quite a generous gift card to Barnes & Noble for my birthday, so if anyone has any must-have book recommendations, I’m accepting them with open arms.
wearing
Tuesday: I woke up and wasn’t sure what to wear. Then, it dawned on me that I had yet to wear this outfit I’ve worn on a few occasions before to work. It’s my outfit formula of a chunky knit sweater with a white layer peaking out from beneath, a cool bottom (in this case, shorts), and fleece-lined tights (if you don’t have a pair, highly recommend), and knee-high boots by Tory Burch (thoughts on the latest runway show?) I felt good all day long.
Wednesday: Another outfit repeat, with a switch of the shoe. Somehow, it must’ve been written in the cards but this is the exact same outfit that my coworker captured on their absolutely wonderful, terrific birthday card for me. The outfit makes me want to experiment with other pieces I own and that’s the joy of fashion.
Thursday: I keep wearing the sneakers with outfits I normally wouldn’t and I’m not sure that it feels me. Although, it’s definitely comfortable. Not that my flats aren’t. But I’m containing to experiment and even though it’s an outfit I’ve worn similar iterations of, even Tuesday’s outfit is pretty much the same, it still doesn’t feel as recognizable than if I were to be wearing Mary Janes or ballet flats.
Tuesday: Head to toe in black (minus the socks and the necklace) felt like the right choice for a freezing cold day. I wanted to give it an extra personable touch, so I added an oversized chiffon hair bow (not visible), a blue stone necklace, and white frilly socks. I felt like a literature professor and I’m not complaining.
Wednesday: So people really like this outfit and so did I. I started with the hairdo: a slick back with two twisted knots. I’d been seeing it on my Pinterest quite a bit and decided to try it out myself. Then, I chose the brown sweater and once I paired it with the pants it felt almost complete. I added this skinny blue scarf my best friend knit me for my birthday, that I can’t stop wearing now, and voila, I felt warm, I felt me, I felt cool.
Thursday: Excuse my messy hair. Brown, again. But with my dark blue jeans.
inspired by
Art! Art! Art! Read all about it here:
My friends, families, mentor! Each and every person in my life I’m so grateful for and each and every interaction leaves me more inspired and charged.
Short, little, punchy poems
Reading Joy Sullivan’s “really sexy, very sophisticated, highly secret writing routine”
proud of
Going with the flow. I’m typically a planner, born from a sort of desire to gain control by knowing what’s happening and when and with who. But this past weekend in NYC, I decided to let go of the reins, leading with intention and mindfulness. Visit art galleries? Of course. Let my entire birthday be a surprise even though I didn’t need it to be? Why not? Wake up and go birding? A red-tailed hawk, mourning dove, and first crackle sighting of the season made barely moving in 30-degree weather a no-doubter. Pass time by finding the bag I’ve been looking for? Perfect. Meet my mentor in person for the first time after several months. Absolutely! (Although that was very much planned.)
Establishing a skincare routine. For the longest time, I was layering on serums and oils and moisturizers and sunscreen and somewhere along the way I went from being a Goop-minded person to whatever the complete opposite is, moisturizing in the morning and only rarely doing it before I went to bed. Now, I’m starting back up my routine with the basics.
goal for the week
For awhile, in the first few weeks of the year I was writing itty bitty poems and I’d like to get back in that habit. A poem a day, perhaps!
Embracing the unknown by grounding myself in what I do know.
Let me know what you’re wearing and reading in the comments!
Wearing: Cardigans and widelegged jeans. Have recently been loving scarves, and hoping to hopefully be able to wear my spring-and-fall-jacket soon, seeing as it is getting warmer :)
Reading: My current is the virgin suicides, and I love it so far. I recently read This Woven Kingdom by Tahereh Mafi (loved it) and I have been more into classics and literary fiction lately. I think I'm gonna read Little Women for the first time next!