On My Mind, vol.10
what's on the other side of choosing yourself?
Recently, in a conversation I struck up with a stranger with a career I admire, I found myself unable to close my jaw or my ears. Every word was poetry. Truly. It began when she said, “have the audacity.”
HAVE THE AUDACITY, I wrote in my notes, capitalized to punctuate the mark it left on me as soon as it left her mind, her mouth. It stirred something in me. Unidentifiable, and the closest I can get to the reason is that for so many years of my life I didn’t have the audacity. I didn’t feel I could.
If joy is within reach, if we can make our lives shimmer and our selves brighter, why wouldn’t I choose to have the audacity. It wasn’t long after that she posed the question, “What’s on the other side of choosing yourself?” I responded, “You should write a book.”
reading
The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo: Set during the Spanish Golden Age in Madrid, Luiza—an orphan from a young age who only occasionally sees her aunt—is left to her own devices, improving her dull, menial life as a kitchen servant through her magic abilities: to speak into existence miracles. But when her mistress discovers that Luzia’s gift, she sets them both on a dangerous path, one that lands Luzia in a competition to serve Spain’s king. And there are players who would rather see her dead than win.
Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte: A novel made up of seven distinct but murkily related sections. Each of the characters seems like a response to another. This way the reader can piece together not only the logical through-lines but create a sense of balance based on race, gender, sexuality, and identity, which each grapples with, a space where no one exists in isolation, no matter how much they disagree. In the end, Tulathimutte depicts characters I’m not gleaning anything from other than the ick.
Mina’s Matchbox by Yōk Ogawa: It follows a twelve-year-old Tomoko who has left Tokyo, where she lived with her mom who needed the help to complete a college course, to stay with her aunt’s family in a coastal town in Japan. It’s there that she befriends her slightly younger cousin, Mina, who is mysteriously ailing. In a mansion that once was bestowed with a zoo in its backyard, only survived by the family’s pygmy hippopotamus, everyone lives their life without much desire to leave. There’s a sadness to it, soft and sweet and poignantly introspective, woven through Tomoko’s outsider perspective, describing her experiences, a brush with the past as we begin to understand as she brings the reader back into the present day.
on deck
My typical experience with the library is arriving to see more books than I could hold ready for me to pickup. However, today there were just two. Which is okay. The Empusium by Olga Tokarczuk and Delta of Venus by Anaïs Nin. I snagged Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck, too. One of my goals for this month’s reading is reading books in translation, so I’m off to a great start. If you have any books in translation you recommend, send my way!
wearing
Tuesday: A working (or perhaps proved) hypothesis of my coworker/friend is that I always wear white jeans and ballet flats when it’s raining. For some reason, it’s true. I’m not sure why the white jeans. Maybe because rain offers a blank slate, a washing away, and white jeans have that power, too? The ballet flats are a simpler answer. Usually, it’s my black Target pair. I think of them as rain boots, and though time after time, my feet end up swimming in the water they catch, they’ve held up. I almost reached for a black cardigan with this outfit but felt soft, so I chose a camel-colored one.
Wednesday: The other week in NYC, I layered this sheer watercolor blouse underneath this flocked jacket. Instead of buttoning it up to my chin, I oleft it open and cinched the belt, otherwise it’s a movement-limiting fit. I paired it with my studded jeans to round of the ‘70s feel and silver ballet flats to match the studs. It felt immediately me.
Thursday: Warmer weather meant sheer tights were possible. The book cover of The Familiar, reminiscent of a 17th century Spanish still life, a bright object illuminated with color against an infinite black background, inspired me to wear this mini silk dress from Dôen, its bright florals set on an inky black backdrop. To winterize the outfit, I threw a black sweater on top and put my patent leather heeled Mary Janes on the bottom.
inspired by
Club Reticient, How to be life’s personality hire: I’ve always thought of charm as something innate. You have it or you don’t. And, well, I’ve never thought of myself as someone with charm, although charming (in ways). In this essay, two things stood out to me: 1. charm is found through action 2. the people we find charming are the ones who make us fall for ourselves. There’s a Jane Austen quote, “There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart” that I’ve been inclined to use as a daily affirmation feeling like the popular view of charm is unattainable, that my charm might lie more in the softness I bring to the world.
The Cereal Aisle, The new fashion woman has good sex: My mom says I dress more modest than her. Which is true in a way. I feel more comfortable wearing pieces that don’t cling, that don’t bare too much skin. In this essay, Medine Cohen explores the shift in fashion away from trends towards personal style. She argues that clothes have an “energetic expression” that reflect our rich inner lives. That knowing what turns you on can be celebrated by dress. Personal style is always on my mind, and there’s been a self recognition lately in connecting how I’m feeling with what I’m wearing, styling an outfit to convey all that’s contained within me. And when I put together an outfit that has gives me power, my desire to rewear it over and over feels wrong when it’s so acceptable. Clothing, in the digital age, can be reworn multiple times in a short window because being photographed doesn’t mean you’ve got to stop wearing it, buying more to avoid repetition. On my birthday, for dinner, I wore a sheer chiffon dress over studded wide-leg jeans and platform boots, and there was an act between the feminine details of the dress, its sheerness, and the rigidness of the denim and the height-altering shoes that made me feel like a more assured, older, knowing version of myself.
Less inspired by, more so a small joy: Made cookie dough, and each night I’ve been baking a few cookies to eat warm out of the oven.
proud of
Changing this to listening to. The entirety of this year, I haven’t been listening to much music. I once drove a four-hour roadtrip in complete silence. It was wonderful. Music brings joy, but sometimes I’m exhausted from the endless noise, and the quietude feels more restorative. The past few days, I’ve been listening more, and I made a playlist called ‘shut the car door.’ You know that feeling when you’re in the car, ready to leave for some exciting trip or event, but there’s the one person who’s taking their time getting situated, and all you can think is: just just the car door already? I think that’s how I’m feeling about winter and whatnot, ready to go.
goal for the week
Set intentions for spring, which is right around the corner. Write a note to self that answers: What do I want to cultivate? What’s no longer worth watering? What habits or newness do I want to invite into my days?
Practice charm.
Let me know what you’re wearing and reading in the comments!